reflecting on yesterday's post can lead down several paths. why is discouragement always one of them? if, in evaluation of a day, one only looks at goals accomplished, then discouragement might often be the natural reaction. I did not get everything done I wanted to--but I did have a violin provided so that I could attend symphony rehearsal. I did get the flash drive to the church office, began preparing for birthday party next week, got scheduled, got snacks for the musicians, and did homework--all while doing research. I did not get as much time as I wanted with my wife, with God or with myself.
If I was to evaluate why the things that were accomplished got accomplished I would say it was because when push came to shove, those are the things that needed more time in the moment. Those were the things expected of me. This realization smacks into the wall of my emotional response: WHY DID I WASTE MY DAY ON THINGS THAT DO NOT MATTER AS MUCH TO ME AS THE THINGS I INVESTED MUCH LESS TIME ON?!?!?!? In my emotional analysis of the day--much of what I did felt like duty and felt like it was robbing me of what I really wanted to be doing: time with God, worshipping, time with family, time reading, practicing, gardening, creating. Which brings me to the theological weavings of my thoughts. Is there a place in the Christian life for doing the dull, ordinary tasks--tasks devoid of passion? Or should Christians avoid the "dull" or "seeming meaningless" tasks that appear to be part of the life God ordained for them in hopes of being available for the things that more naturally ignite passion in our breast?
I found my answer in a small classroom last Thursday night. The question posed was one of Christ's passion, His dream. what was it? what were they? His final prayer before the Cross was that we (the church) would be one as He and his Father are one. Anything that promotes fellowship--oneness--is a passion. Another query from that class asked what Christ would prefer: us ministering "for" Him or us ministering "to" Him. The point was made that ministering for could denote His absence. For me this is the point. What I am doing matters not as much as for whom I am doing. Thus even long assignments can become joy and a chance to pour talents and blessings out at His feet.
Today, Thursday, February 26th.
In chapel this morning, our brother exhorted us to "find our pace" for the great marathon of faith. This point really stuck out to me. How many times have I been sidelined with cramps, pulled muscles, blisters, asthma or even broken bones because I tried to keep another's pace? God has a plan, He has a pace for me. Another professor mentioned that if every minister in America got this message then we could finally move past ministerial competition and pride.
For me moving past competition and pride means being able to admit where I really am in the race. Not, "I used to struggle with that..." (ambiguous--maybe they'll think it was 10 years ago because that is how I'm inflecting my voice...) but rather, "You know, last week (or yesterday or right now) I was really struggling with lust and purity of mind, too. Let's ask God to show us how we've opened our self up to this attack or if there is something special He wants to do that Satan is attempting to thwart."
I have much on my plate again today--and now with the day half ended feel the weight of the clock upon my hopes. I am glad for the time spent with God--especially in the light of the above reflection. I am also glad for the time spent this morning with family. The chatter of children encountering a whole new world of possibilities in a day, the kisses, the spills, the pouring of tea, milk, "just a little sugar..." It was wonderful and right were I needed to BE. Holding the baby whilst her mother ate breakfast, feeling the soft skin of her fattening cheek against my lips and nose--feeling the smile when mother's face comes into view. (cue, "And I think to myself... what a wonderful world...")
I approach my to-do list with a big picture mentality. Instead of focusing on the minutiae, what actually matters with this day? Communication with some professors is essential for both my degree and the department. I also need to get in contact with some church people. Beside that, I want to keep in contact/communication/caress (is that too sensual a word?) with the Spirit of God and with myself. Some tweaking of homework is needed, along with three lessons still to be taught this afternoon. Here goes something... hopefully something meaningful!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ash Wednesday
No, I did not attend a service this morning. I wanted to, but there wasn't room in my schedule. Isn't that somewhat indicative of our need for Lent? I find there is so little time for anything, including God, and that is frightening. The reality of God's vastness is somehow hidden--perhaps it would be more honest to say that I hide myself from God's vastness-a moment here, an hour there, an entire day/week/month... Which brings me to the Garden. Eden. When man and woman were hiding from God's vastness--in the middle of His vastness. Which is what we all do, really. We hide from the Truth of the universe, hiding among the very Truth we wish to avoid. The only person we are really hiding from is ourselves. The God of the Garden, the God of Truth--knows all, sees all, LOVES all. Yet we hide because in our pride and striving after God-ship--we see perfection as our redemption, not relationship. We hide because we are afraid of what we will see when we look at ourselves. If we keep our haughty chins up, we don't have to look down at the disgusting nakedness of our arrogance. Lent for me is a chance to remove the "leaves and branches" of the garden that I have surrounded myself with to hide from God and myself.
I have many things to do today--including:
I have many things to do today--including:
- research for professor
- check request/reconciliation for department
- return flash drive to church office
- procure snack for tonight's symphony rehearsal
- which just reminded me that I left my violin at home (curses!)
- copy songs for paid birthday party next Tuesday
- call and inquire after keyboard for above party
- work on homework
- call wife regarding scheduling
- practice the non-existent violin and be ready for rehearsal
My goal today is to stay out in the open as much as possible. Hopefully, when I check back in, I will have found a violin, practiced...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Lent
I'm not sure what color represents Lent in the liturgical calendar, but I've made my font color choice and I'm sticking with it. In many ways the above sentence delineates exactly how I feel about things I want to give up for Lent this year. The color of my script means nothing compared to the message of my script, the words, the pictures, the parts of myself I reveal or choose to hide. Lent reminds me that sweets or YouTube videos, MacDonald's and Coca-cola are not what makes life rich and full. As obvious and Sunday school as that may sound, the truth is all of those things have at one time or another-even if in a minuscule way-been substitutes I have willingly chosen over abundant life. I am convicted and ashamed, yet refuse to stay there and choose to use Lent as a time to turn from such things and return to my first Love...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Karyss-Renee
My second daughter's name and this morning have something in common. They are both a rebirth of grace. I love the early morning hours, and--while conceding that there is merit in down comforters and soft pillows--often wish more people knew about them. Of course, I then--like the big brother who wanted more apple pie for myself--cover my mouth and wish I hadn't said how good they were. Grace reborn. A morning. A little innocent girl. If I think of my day like a child entrusted to me to shape, to mold for His glory--what a humbling and stretching thought! Every moment becomes evaluable and valuable! What is the best i can do in this moment to make this little girl/little day glorify the Maker?
I was listening to a christian radio station on my way in this morning (1/2 hour--applause!) and the music ran the gamut of praise (Indescribable...You are amazing God!) to warning (It's a slow fade... nobody crumbles in a day...be careful little eyes what you see) and was struck by the contrast. One side of the continuum is God in His glory and how utterly blown away we are by his holiness and righteousness as we gaze upon His beauty. On the other end we see Christians lead astray and totally destroyed by what they allow their little eyes/ears/hands to see/hear/do.
And then I was struck that the radio station had finally gotten it: although we are Christians and we do walk in the glorious light of salvation, grace, redemption etc., etc., we struggle with real issues and our lives do crumble in this world. It doesn't always look like we're growing from "strength to strength". In my own life I often feel like I go from strength to stank. Whether it is pride, selfishness, lust or disobedience--how often do I stink up the work God is doing in my life as I indulge the flesh/old man/new euphemism for pre-Christ me?
I want to treat this day like a child, Lord. Every fleshly influence I would fight to keep away from my children, let me war on behalf of this day in the same manner. And I pray that you would keep temptation far from us today. I ask that You would provide bread for this day--the nourishment to function in such a way as to bring You glory. I pray for grace and forgiveness to shower down on this day and every interaction, inadvertent wounding, old scars. Help me forgive. I beg that You would deliver us from evil so that my striving wouldn't get in the way of Your strength. Amen
On the docket:
I was listening to a christian radio station on my way in this morning (1/2 hour--applause!) and the music ran the gamut of praise (Indescribable...You are amazing God!) to warning (It's a slow fade... nobody crumbles in a day...be careful little eyes what you see) and was struck by the contrast. One side of the continuum is God in His glory and how utterly blown away we are by his holiness and righteousness as we gaze upon His beauty. On the other end we see Christians lead astray and totally destroyed by what they allow their little eyes/ears/hands to see/hear/do.
And then I was struck that the radio station had finally gotten it: although we are Christians and we do walk in the glorious light of salvation, grace, redemption etc., etc., we struggle with real issues and our lives do crumble in this world. It doesn't always look like we're growing from "strength to strength". In my own life I often feel like I go from strength to stank. Whether it is pride, selfishness, lust or disobedience--how often do I stink up the work God is doing in my life as I indulge the flesh/old man/new euphemism for pre-Christ me?
I want to treat this day like a child, Lord. Every fleshly influence I would fight to keep away from my children, let me war on behalf of this day in the same manner. And I pray that you would keep temptation far from us today. I ask that You would provide bread for this day--the nourishment to function in such a way as to bring You glory. I pray for grace and forgiveness to shower down on this day and every interaction, inadvertent wounding, old scars. Help me forgive. I beg that You would deliver us from evil so that my striving wouldn't get in the way of Your strength. Amen
On the docket:
- budget on Professor's desk
- new students in department and certificate programs on Professor's desk
- prepare for new student orientation
- bags
- cups
- folders
- media
- worship
- prepare for missions conference
- send Facebook update
- connect with professor regarding gospel choir
- practice for symphony
- teach five lessons
- print 10 dissertations/articles for research project
- procure piano stand for seminary student
We'll see how the day pans out and check back in a little later...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Introit
And so we begin...
Ever notice how easy it is to talk about something, or even actually start it--yet never finish? Will the real procrastinator please stand up? please stand up? (Yes, I just said that...) I was given a journaling assignment for a seminary class and decided to start and maintain a blog in lieu of handwritten journaling--which I love--but my hands cannot quite keep up with the requisite hours of writing. The physical act of writing however, adds to the experience of journaling and I am convinced that manuscripts, books, journals--all written media has a different feel based on hand written or typed/word processed. Even typewriters are different than computers. The finality of the ink, the breathless waiting for the hand to catch up with the head--I delight in these things and only with resignation and a promise of calligraphic self-indulgence at a later date do I give them up in favor of the connect-to-the-world-in-an-instant-blog/journal-o-matic!
On to the main event: For our journal we are to 1.) give the date (see blog date), then 2.) share the main theme, idea, scripture, meditation, etc. from our devotional time. 3. )A proposed schedule/to-do list is then scripted and one heads off into one's day. Later (i.e. 9:46PM) we 4.) recount our actual day (why does this feel like a departmental budget analysis?), followed by 5.) a "HEAD" evaluation--thinking through and analytically reviewing what happened in day/relationships/spiritual journey; 6.)a "HEART" evaluation--how did we feel about the day or events of the day with a final 7.) theological reflection. Now that I have done the classic teacher routine of telling you what I'm going to teach you...
I thought today would begin earlier, but sleep does have benefits. I wonder what time I have gotten up each January 27th of my life. I think the average must be close to 6:00AM. I remember as a child I would wake up with the roosters and draw, shivering--my room was the furthest from the furnace--until 7:30, at which time we were allowed to come down for breakfast. My father always prayed in the living room and was not to be disturbed until that time. Some of my favorite memories as a small boy include the times I would come down and, pajama clad, worm my way under his chest as he knelt at the couch. The smells of his leather Bible, open before me, and Listermint mouthwash from his closing prayers, along with the tickle of whiskers from his yet-to-be-shaven face are just a vivid now as they were then.
Today, however--after just getting the Crest and shampoo routine over and done with (I'm not a Listermint man myself...) it was well later than my normal departure time. And that can mean only one thing: TRAFFIC. I logged an hour and a half on the highways and byways of Marin and Sonoma--arriving at the seminary well into the morning. I had hopes of practicing one or two hours, several hours of work on a professors research project, some paperwork and balancing my department budget--along with quality time spent preparing for some of my private music students. I did get some work done on the budget, the research project, and the music preparation. But the rest did not get done.
As I look back and analyze this--my day needed to begin earlier, and I should have outlined my time better.
The time spent with students was rewarding and they are making good progress, but more time needs to be invested in my preparation for their lessons. Dinner was a crazy task, as my wife was off to lead a ladies Bible study and I had the children--but the rest of the evening was rewarding--bottle and cuddling for the baby, pajamas and potty, followed by stories and prayers for the older girls. Then on to nailing down some business loose ends and now this.
Emotionally, I am overwhelmed. Between my private music students, my commitments and prayer burden as assistant pastor, my positions as chapel coordinator and administrative assistant to a department of a seminary, concertmaster to the philharmonic, the upcoming mission's conference, new student orientation, HUSBAND, FATHER, and supposedly--CHRISTIAN--I am beat. I need a really good game plan and a clone or two.
As I look at this theologically I see the impact that too much everything has on a spiritual leader: I am doing what I can to make it through to the next appointment--and I need to mention that I am running on fumes--but it's almost like I can't even open my Bible--although I want to and I know it's needed. The baby is crying and I must go, but hopefully tomorrow will show growth! Thanks be to God for another day!
Ever notice how easy it is to talk about something, or even actually start it--yet never finish? Will the real procrastinator please stand up? please stand up? (Yes, I just said that...) I was given a journaling assignment for a seminary class and decided to start and maintain a blog in lieu of handwritten journaling--which I love--but my hands cannot quite keep up with the requisite hours of writing. The physical act of writing however, adds to the experience of journaling and I am convinced that manuscripts, books, journals--all written media has a different feel based on hand written or typed/word processed. Even typewriters are different than computers. The finality of the ink, the breathless waiting for the hand to catch up with the head--I delight in these things and only with resignation and a promise of calligraphic self-indulgence at a later date do I give them up in favor of the connect-to-the-world-in-an-instant-blog/journal-o-matic!
On to the main event: For our journal we are to 1.) give the date (see blog date), then 2.) share the main theme, idea, scripture, meditation, etc. from our devotional time. 3. )A proposed schedule/to-do list is then scripted and one heads off into one's day. Later (i.e. 9:46PM) we 4.) recount our actual day (why does this feel like a departmental budget analysis?), followed by 5.) a "HEAD" evaluation--thinking through and analytically reviewing what happened in day/relationships/spiritual journey; 6.)a "HEART" evaluation--how did we feel about the day or events of the day with a final 7.) theological reflection. Now that I have done the classic teacher routine of telling you what I'm going to teach you...
I thought today would begin earlier, but sleep does have benefits. I wonder what time I have gotten up each January 27th of my life. I think the average must be close to 6:00AM. I remember as a child I would wake up with the roosters and draw, shivering--my room was the furthest from the furnace--until 7:30, at which time we were allowed to come down for breakfast. My father always prayed in the living room and was not to be disturbed until that time. Some of my favorite memories as a small boy include the times I would come down and, pajama clad, worm my way under his chest as he knelt at the couch. The smells of his leather Bible, open before me, and Listermint mouthwash from his closing prayers, along with the tickle of whiskers from his yet-to-be-shaven face are just a vivid now as they were then.
Today, however--after just getting the Crest and shampoo routine over and done with (I'm not a Listermint man myself...) it was well later than my normal departure time. And that can mean only one thing: TRAFFIC. I logged an hour and a half on the highways and byways of Marin and Sonoma--arriving at the seminary well into the morning. I had hopes of practicing one or two hours, several hours of work on a professors research project, some paperwork and balancing my department budget--along with quality time spent preparing for some of my private music students. I did get some work done on the budget, the research project, and the music preparation. But the rest did not get done.
As I look back and analyze this--my day needed to begin earlier, and I should have outlined my time better.
The time spent with students was rewarding and they are making good progress, but more time needs to be invested in my preparation for their lessons. Dinner was a crazy task, as my wife was off to lead a ladies Bible study and I had the children--but the rest of the evening was rewarding--bottle and cuddling for the baby, pajamas and potty, followed by stories and prayers for the older girls. Then on to nailing down some business loose ends and now this.
Emotionally, I am overwhelmed. Between my private music students, my commitments and prayer burden as assistant pastor, my positions as chapel coordinator and administrative assistant to a department of a seminary, concertmaster to the philharmonic, the upcoming mission's conference, new student orientation, HUSBAND, FATHER, and supposedly--CHRISTIAN--I am beat. I need a really good game plan and a clone or two.
As I look at this theologically I see the impact that too much everything has on a spiritual leader: I am doing what I can to make it through to the next appointment--and I need to mention that I am running on fumes--but it's almost like I can't even open my Bible--although I want to and I know it's needed. The baby is crying and I must go, but hopefully tomorrow will show growth! Thanks be to God for another day!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Epiphany Resolutions...
Those rare moments when the wind blows through our hair and we breath deeply and the sun and the rich green of the springtime hills all roll together--that is a taste of epiphany. We see--if even for a moment--something more than the sum of what we are looking at--we see what we were looking for. I had one of these moments today as I was walking back over the top of a hill towards my car. I saw what I was looking for--U2 song be damned--but I did. I have been striving to juggle too many jobs with too many commitments for too long so that I could have a better life. But I realized today I have a great life--one of the best lives in the world--and the only person that wasn't seeing it was me. I had listened to the Whispering Fear too long and had started to believe him. And I couldn't even see it. It took a moment of Holy Epiphany--that which was hidden, now revealed--to break me out of the cycle. But Epiphany or not--action is required on my part. Just like the Wise Men, who the liturgical church calender celebrates at Epiphany--much was required before their hopes and dreams were realized. Although their gifts show understanding and wisdom of just who this Little One would be--it wasn't until they reached the end of their great journey that we credit them with seeing that which was hidden. And so, although God is the one doing the disclosing--it must always be me doing the seeking. Seeking with open eyes and heart (and schedule) so that when the moment comes--my own seeking blinds not the gift from my eyes. Tomorrow morning, or tonight I will commandeer my schedule lest it commandeer my life. Adieu!
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