Lessons in the Ash...

reflecting on yesterday's post can lead down several paths. why is discouragement always one of them? if, in evaluation of a day, one only looks at goals accomplished, then discouragement might often be the natural reaction. I did not get everything done I wanted to--but I did have a violin provided so that I could attend symphony rehearsal. I did get the flash drive to the church office, began preparing for birthday party next week, got scheduled, got snacks for the musicians, and did homework--all while doing research. I did not get as much time as I wanted with my wife, with God or with myself.

If I was to evaluate why the things that were accomplished got accomplished I would say it was because when push came to shove, those are the things that needed more time in the moment. Those were the things expected of me. This realization smacks into the wall of my emotional response: WHY DID I WASTE MY DAY ON THINGS THAT DO NOT MATTER AS MUCH TO ME AS THE THINGS I INVESTED MUCH LESS TIME ON?!?!?!? In my emotional analysis of the day--much of what I did felt like duty and felt like it was robbing me of what I really wanted to be doing: time with God, worshipping, time with family, time reading, practicing, gardening, creating. Which brings me to the theological weavings of my thoughts. Is there a place in the Christian life for doing the dull, ordinary tasks--tasks devoid of passion? Or should Christians avoid the "dull" or "seeming meaningless" tasks that appear to be part of the life God ordained for them in hopes of being available for the things that more naturally ignite passion in our breast?

I found my answer in a small classroom last Thursday night. The question posed was one of Christ's passion, His dream. what was it? what were they? His final prayer before the Cross was that we (the church) would be one as He and his Father are one. Anything that promotes fellowship--oneness--is a passion. Another query from that class asked what Christ would prefer: us ministering "for" Him or us ministering "to" Him. The point was made that ministering for could denote His absence. For me this is the point. What I am doing matters not as much as for whom I am doing. Thus even long assignments can become joy and a chance to pour talents and blessings out at His feet.

Today, Thursday, February 26th.
In chapel this morning, our brother exhorted us to "find our pace" for the great marathon of faith. This point really stuck out to me. How many times have I been sidelined with cramps, pulled muscles, blisters, asthma or even broken bones because I tried to keep another's pace? God has a plan, He has a pace for me. Another professor mentioned that if every minister in America got this message then we could finally move past ministerial competition and pride.

For me moving past competition and pride means being able to admit where I really am in the race. Not, "I used to struggle with that..." (ambiguous--maybe they'll think it was 10 years ago because that is how I'm inflecting my voice...) but rather, "You know, last week (or yesterday or right now) I was really struggling with lust and purity of mind, too. Let's ask God to show us how we've opened our self up to this attack or if there is something special He wants to do that Satan is attempting to thwart."

I have much on my plate again today--and now with the day half ended feel the weight of the clock upon my hopes. I am glad for the time spent with God--especially in the light of the above reflection. I am also glad for the time spent this morning with family. The chatter of children encountering a whole new world of possibilities in a day, the kisses, the spills, the pouring of tea, milk, "just a little sugar..." It was wonderful and right were I needed to BE. Holding the baby whilst her mother ate breakfast, feeling the soft skin of her fattening cheek against my lips and nose--feeling the smile when mother's face comes into view. (cue, "And I think to myself... what a wonderful world...")

I approach my to-do list with a big picture mentality. Instead of focusing on the minutiae, what actually matters with this day? Communication with some professors is essential for both my degree and the department. I also need to get in contact with some church people. Beside that, I want to keep in contact/communication/caress (is that too sensual a word?) with the Spirit of God and with myself. Some tweaking of homework is needed, along with three lessons still to be taught this afternoon. Here goes something... hopefully something meaningful!

Ash Wednesday

No, I did not attend a service this morning. I wanted to, but there wasn't room in my schedule. Isn't that somewhat indicative of our need for Lent? I find there is so little time for anything, including God, and that is frightening. The reality of God's vastness is somehow hidden--perhaps it would be more honest to say that I hide myself from God's vastness-a moment here, an hour there, an entire day/week/month... Which brings me to the Garden. Eden. When man and woman were hiding from God's vastness--in the middle of His vastness. Which is what we all do, really. We hide from the Truth of the universe, hiding among the very Truth we wish to avoid. The only person we are really hiding from is ourselves. The God of the Garden, the God of Truth--knows all, sees all, LOVES all. Yet we hide because in our pride and striving after God-ship--we see perfection as our redemption, not relationship. We hide because we are afraid of what we will see when we look at ourselves. If we keep our haughty chins up, we don't have to look down at the disgusting nakedness of our arrogance. Lent for me is a chance to remove the "leaves and branches" of the garden that I have surrounded myself with to hide from God and myself.

I have many things to do today--including:

• research for professor
• check request/reconciliation for department
• return flash drive to church office
• procure snack for tonight's symphony rehearsal
• which just reminded me that I left my violin at home (curses!)
• copy songs for paid birthday party next Tuesday
• call and inquire after keyboard for above party
• work on homework
• call wife regarding scheduling
• practice the non-existent violin and be ready for rehearsal

My goal today is to stay out in the open as much as possible. Hopefully, when I check back in, I will have found a violin, practiced...

Lent

I'm not sure what color represents Lent in the liturgical calendar, but I've made my font color choice and I'm sticking with it. In many ways the above sentence delineates exactly how I feel about things I want to give up for Lent this year. The color of my script means nothing compared to the message of my script, the words, the pictures, the parts of myself I reveal or choose to hide. Lent reminds me that sweets or YouTube videos, MacDonald's and Coca-cola are not what makes life rich and full. As obvious and Sunday school as that may sound, the truth is all of those things have at one time or another-even if in a minuscule way-been substitutes I have willingly chosen over abundant life. I am convicted and ashamed, yet refuse to stay there and choose to use Lent as a time to turn from such things and return to my first Love...